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500-Word Challenge: Day 32–The Answer Guy [A Backyard Hole]

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

Let’s see you figure this one out.

Seems a while back our swimming pool sprung some leaks. Not the kind that shoot upwards Old Faithful-like or anything like that. No, these are underground leaks.

Some guys came out and removed—rather rudely, I might add—the surface of the pool and, over the holidays, we were left with an unsightly blight of mud, concrete, and all manner of gunk in our backyard. We didn’t lose any pets or anything, but it’s possible at least one meter reader is down there, but that’s really not my concern. So what do we do with this ugly inconvenience?

Signed, Holed Up for the Winter

***

Dear Holed Up for the Winter,

First of all, it’s a little amateurish to use the word ‘signed’ as the closing of your letter.

Second, ‘unsightly blight’…redundant and unnecessary. Choose ‘blight’ or ‘unsightly’, but don’t juxtapose them. [I’ll pause here for you to look up ‘juxtapose’.]

Third, well aren’t we all hoity-toity with our swimming pool and all.

On to my answer…

First off, you’re looking at this all wrong. Can’t you foresee a nice fat wad of government money coming your way if you can get your backyard declared a ‘wetland area’? I think they’re called Wetland Program Development Grants**. Give it a whirl.

And if that doesn’t work and you and the backyard hole are still around after five years of your request wending its way through the various inboxes of dozens of well-paid civil servants, well, you mentioned the possibility of a meter reader possibly wallowing around down there. Casually set up a rescue operation, hire a video team [the teenagers across the street could use a little side hustle cash, I’m sure] and save the poor shlub. You have to figure some cable network will be all over that story and most likely open to tossing a little cash your way for the story. Just make sure the teens get a decent cut of the proceeds or you might be next to be one-with-the-backyard-muck.

Best of luck with the muck.

The Answer Man

** See, even I know how to Google stuff.

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