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500-Word Challenge: Day 28–Tag-team Eulogy for a Writer

So, it’s like this: He never really understood me. Oh he tried, but, ya know, the way he’s lying there right now? He’s showing just as much empathy and understanding as he did when he was alive. Really, he didn’t like tattoos and thought they were all about the ‘look at me’ generation. And, while I’m sure all you people at this service are envious of my glasses, he really thought they were too big for my face. I just had no idea what weird idea or belief he would come up with next.

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Is there someone at the door checking everybody’s identification? I tried to convince the TSA to attend and provide some security, but well, they keep claiming they have enough to do at our airports. Yeah, as if they think people are always taking plane flights. I myself wouldn’t travel and T never understood that. When I told him how we all had to prepare for the final days, you know, when CNN and FoxNews stopped claiming ‘breaking news’, he just laughed and asked me if he could borrow my hat to make a salad. I told him to go to the thrift store and get his own salad bowl and while he was at it, to pick up a Sony BetaMax video player for me. He actually had the nerve to ask me what that was. I won’t miss him, I can tell you that. Such a skeptic…such a skeptic.

***

Well, I knew T for 48-and-a-half sessions. I really thought we were making some progress, but when he stopped the last meeting halfway through and complained that my shoes were becoming a distraction, I felt we were at an impasse. Actually, I didn’t officially declare an impasse until I cashed his last check, but for all intents and purposes, our professional-to-client relationship was over. Luckily, because of doctor-client privilege, I won’t have to share his stories of the five unicorns he walked every day at 6:00 AM. And I won’t have to tell you he left everyone out of his will, so you can all go home without expectation of his bequeathing you with his baseball card collection, including the 1963 Hal Lanier card he treasured and carried with him wherever he went. Finally, I won’t have to tell you about the yellow Gremlin he drove during his college years and that he always felt it reduced his social life to sneaking into the nearby church’s Saturday night bingo extravaganzas.

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Well, I’ve heard these other people cast T in a not-so-positive light. I actually found him to be quite forthcoming and open to my ideas about non-human mammals taking over the earth, starting with a non-violent overthrow of the U.S. Government. He said something about believing more in the Easter bunny than in many of the legislators who were leading their own lives of fantasy, frolic, and scoring lifetime pensions and health care. He said he would support my cause and then he rambled on about wanting one more shot at New Orleans restaurants before Lent began. He was that way…one moment coherent and willing to lead a coup d’etat and the next moment asking me where we were going for dinner.

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T. liked to play tricks on people. Luckily, I was never victimized by him so I guess I can’t say too much bad about him. I’m sure he’s in a better place, or at least I hope he is…I’m not really sure why you’re laughing right now. I mean, we’re trying to pay tribute to a great, great man.

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